Grief Exercise: Meet Your Grieving Parts (DBT and IFS Informed)

Grief is a complex and often overwhelming experience. While it's a natural response to loss, navigating the intense emotions that come with grief can be challenging. This article introduces a unique exercise that combines two powerful therapeutic approaches to help you work through your grief in a compassionate and effective way.

To illustrate how this exercise works, we'll follow the story of Sarah, a 35-year-old teacher who recently lost her father to cancer. In the weeks following his passing, Sarah found herself overwhelmed by waves of sadness, anger, and numbness. She decided to try this exercise to help navigate her complex emotions.

Understanding the Approach

This exercise draws from two evidence-based therapeutic modalities:

1. Internal Family Systems (IFS): This approach views the mind as containing many different "parts," each with its own perspectives and intentions. In the context of grief, you might have parts that feel sad, angry, or even numb. IFS helps you identify and communicate with these parts, fostering internal harmony and healing.

2. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT provides practical skills for managing intense emotions. It offers techniques to help you stay grounded when feelings become overwhelming, allowing you to engage with your grief more effectively.

By combining these approaches, this exercise helps you stay present with your grief while providing tools to manage overwhelming emotions.

Benefits of This Exercise

• Gain a deeper understanding of your grief experience

• Learn to approach your emotions with curiosity and compassion

• Develop skills to manage intense feelings

• Foster a more peaceful relationship with your grief

Preparing for the Exercise

Before you begin, find a quiet, comfortable space where you won't be disturbed for about 45-60 minutes. You'll need:

• A journal or notepad and pen

• Cold water or a cold pack

• Space for brief physical activity

• A comfortable place to sit or lie down

Sarah chose to do the exercise in her living room, sitting in her father's favorite armchair. She had a glass of ice water, her journal, and a small space cleared for movement.

The Exercise: Meeting Your Grieving Parts

1. Centering Yourself

   • Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths.

   • Notice how your body feels right now.

   • Think about qualities like compassion, curiosity, calmness, and confidence. See if you can sense any of these within yourself, even slightly.

   Sarah sat in the armchair, taking deep breaths. She noticed tension in her shoulders and a heaviness in her chest. As she thought about qualities like compassion and calmness, she felt a slight sense of warmth in her heart.

2. Acknowledging Your Grief

   • Gently bring your attention to your grief. You might think about your loved one or what you've lost.

   • Notice any thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations that come up.

   • Remember, you're not trying to change anything, just observing with kindness.

   As Sarah brought her attention to her grief, she felt a lump in her throat and tears welling up. She noticed thoughts of her father's empty chair at the dinner table and allowed herself to sit with these feelings.

3. Managing Intense Emotions If you feel overwhelmed, try these steps (known as the TIPP skill in DBT): a) Temperature Change

   • Splash cold water on your face or hold a cold pack to your cheeks for 15-30 seconds.

   • Focus on the cooling sensation and breathe slowly.

   b) Intense Exercise

   • Do a quick burst of exercise (e.g., jumping jacks, push-ups) for about 60 seconds.

   • Pay attention to how your body feels during and after the exercise.

   c) Paced Breathing

   • Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 counts.

   • Hold your breath for 4 counts.

   • Breathe out slowly through your mouth for 6-8 counts.

   • Repeat this for several minutes, focusing on your breath.

   d) Progressive Muscle Relaxation

   • Starting with your feet and moving up to your head, tighten each muscle group for 5-10 seconds, then relax.

   • Notice how it feels as you release each muscle group.

   When Sarah felt overwhelmed by a sudden wave of anger, she decided to try the Temperature Change technique. She held her glass of ice water to her cheeks for 30 seconds. The cold sensation helped her feel more grounded and able to continue.

4. Identifying Different Aspects of Your Grief

   • As you sit with your grief, notice if a particular feeling, thought, or sensation stands out.

   • This could be a part of you that's carrying some of your grief.

   • It might be sadness, anger, numbness, or something else entirely.

   Sarah noticed a part of her that felt angry - angry at the cancer, at the doctors, at the unfairness of losing her dad so soon. This angry part felt hot and sharp in her chest.

5. Acknowledging This Aspect of Grief

   • Once you've identified this part of your grief, mentally greet it.

   • You might say to yourself, "I see you there, and I'm here to listen."

   • Notice if this part of your grief has a shape, color, or image associated with it.

   • Stay aware of any thoughts, emotions, or sensations that come up.

   Sarah mentally greeted this angry part, saying, "I see you there, and I'm here to listen." She visualized the anger as a red, spiky ball in her chest.

6. Creating Some Distance

   • Imagine creating some space between you and this aspect of your grief.

   • This helps you maintain a sense of yourself separate from the grief.

   • You might visualize this part of your grief sitting across from you, or see it on a screen in front of you.

   Sarah imagined the red, spiky ball of anger sitting on a chair across from her. This helped her feel less overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotion.

7. Listening to This Part of Your Grief

   • With curiosity and compassion, ask this part of your grief:

     • "What would you like me to know?"

     • "What are you afraid might happen if you weren't here?"

     • "How are you trying to help or protect me?"

   • Listen patiently. The answers might come as words, images, or feelings.

   • Remember, you're not trying to change anything, just understand.

   • If it becomes too intense, pause and use the emotion management techniques from step 3.

   As Sarah listened to her angry part, she heard it say, "I'm trying to protect you from the pain of missing him. If we stay angry, maybe it won't hurt so much."

8. Showing Kindness

   • Thank this part of your grief for sharing with you.

   • Ask if there's anything it needs from you.

   • If you feel able, let it know that you are here and will be with it through this journey.

   Sarah thanked her angry part for trying to protect her. She told it, "I understand you're trying to help. It's okay for us to feel sad too. We're in this together."

9. Checking In with Yourself

   • Notice how you feel now. Has anything changed?

   • If other aspects of your grief have come up, gently acknowledge them. Let them know you see them too, and that you can spend time with them another day.

   After this interaction, Sarah noticed that the angry feeling had softened somewhat. She also became aware of a sad part that needed attention, making a mental note to spend time with it later.

10. Ending the Exercise

    • Thank all parts of your grief that showed up today.

    • Take a few deep breaths, feeling your body in the present moment.

    • If you used any emotion management techniques, notice how your body feels now.

    • Try to reconnect with feelings of compassion, calmness, or patience within yourself.

    • Slowly open your eyes and become aware of your surroundings.

    Sarah took a few deep breaths, feeling more centered than when she started. She thanked her grief parts for sharing with her and slowly opened her eyes, noticing the familiar surroundings of her living room with a new sense of calm.

11. Reflecting

    • Take some time to write about your experience.

    • What did you learn about this aspect of your grief?

    • How did it feel to approach your grief with curiosity and compassion?

    • What did you notice about your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations?

    • If you used the emotion management techniques, how did they affect your experience?

    • Which qualities (like compassion, calmness, etc.) were easiest for you to access? Which were more challenging?

    • Remember, there's no right or wrong way to do this. Your experience is valid and important.

    In her journal, Sarah wrote about her experience with the angry part. She realized that allowing herself to feel angry didn't make the sadness worse - instead, it helped her feel more balanced and understanding of her grief process.

Important Considerations

• This exercise can bring up intense emotions. It's okay to stop or take breaks if you need to.

• The emotion management techniques are there to help you when feelings become overwhelming. Use them as often as you need.

• If you feel overwhelmed, try to reconnect with feelings of calmness, compassion, and patience within yourself.

• Regular practice can help you become more comfortable with difficult emotions.

• This exercise is not a substitute for professional help. If you're struggling with grief, consider working with a trained therapist.

Embracing Your Grief Journey

Remember, healing from grief is a process that takes time. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. All of your feelings are trying to help you in some way, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

For Sarah, this exercise became a regular part of her grief work. Over time, she found herself better able to understand and cope with the different aspects of her grief. While she still missed her father deeply, she developed a more peaceful relationship with her loss, carrying her grief in a way that felt more manageable and even meaningful.

By regularly engaging with this exercise, you too can gain deeper insights into your grief experience, develop skills to manage intense emotions, and foster a more compassionate relationship with yourself during this challenging time. While the path through grief is rarely easy, tools like this can help make the journey more bearable and potentially even transformative.

As you continue to use this exercise, you may find, like Sarah did, that your relationship with grief evolves. It doesn't mean you'll forget your loved one or that the pain disappears entirely. Instead, you might discover new depths of understanding, resilience, and even growth as you honor your loss and navigate your unique grief journey.