Michelle had always prided herself on being a problem-solver.
As a successful marketing executive and mother of two, she was used to juggling multiple responsibilities and finding solutions to whatever challenges life threw her way. But lately, she felt overwhelmed and disconnected. Despite her outward success, Michelle struggled with anxiety and a nagging feeling that something was missing in her life.
When a friend suggested she try Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Michelle was skeptical. The idea of having different "parts" inside her seemed strange at first. However, as she learned more about IFS, she became intrigued by the concept of the "Self" - a core essence of calm, compassion, and clarity that IFS theory suggests exists within everyone.
Michelle's journey to connect with her Self wasn't easy. Her first attempts left her frustrated and doubtful. "I don't think I have a Self," she told her therapist after several unsuccessful meditation attempts. "All I can feel is anxiety and the pressure to figure this out."
Her therapist smiled gently. "That pressure you're feeling? That's a part too. And it's trying to help you in its own way. Let's get curious about it."
As Michelle learned to listen to her parts with compassion and curiosity, she slowly began to experience moments of calm and clarity. These brief glimpses of what she came to recognize as her Self became anchor points, helping her navigate the storms of her inner world.
Over time, Michelle discovered that connecting with her Self wasn't about achieving a perfect state of Zen-like calm. Instead, it was about cultivating a gentle, compassionate awareness that could hold space for all of her experiences and emotions.
Like Michelle, many people find that connecting with their Self in IFS can be transformative, but also challenging. Here's a comprehensive guide to help you on your own journey of Self-discovery.
Understanding the Self in IFS
In Internal Family Systems therapy, the Self is considered the core of an individual's being. It's characterized by qualities known as the 8 C's:
Calmness
Curiosity
Compassion
Confidence
Courage
Clarity
Creativity
Connectedness
Additionally, there are 5 P's associated with Self energy:
Presence
Persistence
Perspective
Playfulness
Patience
The Self is believed to be always present, but sometimes obscured by other parts that have taken on protective or managerial roles in response to life experiences. These parts, while well-intentioned, can sometimes lead to distress or dysfunction when they become extreme or rigid in their roles.
Why Connecting with Your Self Matters
Accessing your Self energy is crucial in IFS for several reasons:
It provides a stable, compassionate presence from which to interact with your parts.
It facilitates healing and unburdening of parts carrying pain or trauma.
It helps in making decisions aligned with your core values and authentic desires.
It promotes overall emotional well-being and resilience.
Common Challenges in Accessing Self
Many people, especially those with histories of trauma or difficult childhoods, may find it challenging to connect with their Self. Common obstacles include:
Hyperactive protective parts that don't trust the process
Deeply held beliefs that they don't have a Self or are fundamentally flawed
Difficulty distinguishing Self energy from part energy
Impatience or pressure to "get it right"
Trauma responses that make it hard to feel safe enough to access Self
Parts that mimic Self energy but actually block access to true Self
Strategies for Connecting with Your Self
1. Shift Your Perspective
Instead of trying to "find" your Self as if it's a separate entity, focus on noticing moments when you experience Self-like qualities. Even brief instances of curiosity, calm, or compassion indicate the presence of Self energy.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Regular mindfulness meditation can help cultivate Self-like qualities and create space for your Self to emerge. Start with short, daily sessions and gradually increase the duration as you become more comfortable.
3. Use Visualization
If you're visually oriented, try imagining your Self as light, as gentle waves on a beach, or as a wise, compassionate figure. This can make the concept more tangible and accessible.
4. Engage in Creative Activities
Activities that promote flow states, such as art, music, or dance, can help you access Self energy. These activities often naturally evoke qualities like creativity and connectedness.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Cultivating self-compassion can help create a safe inner environment for your Self to emerge. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend.
6. Work with a Trained IFS Therapist
A skilled IFS practitioner can guide you through the process, helping you navigate challenges and providing additional Self energy to support your journey.
7. Explore Body-Centered Approaches
Some people find that integrating body-centered approaches, such as the Hakomi Method, with IFS can be particularly effective in accessing Self energy.
8. Look for the "No Problem" Space
Try to identify a place within you where there's no urgent problem to solve. This quiet, peaceful state often indicates Self energy.
Exercises for Connecting with Your Self
Here are some specific exercises you can try to help connect with your Self:
Exercise 1: The Compassionate Observer
Find a comfortable, quiet space where you won't be disturbed.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Imagine stepping back from your thoughts and feelings, as if you're observing them from a distance.
Notice any judgments or reactions you have, but try not to engage with them.
Instead, cultivate a sense of curiosity and compassion towards whatever you observe.
If you notice yourself getting pulled into a thought or feeling, gently bring your attention back to the observing stance.
Practice this for 5-10 minutes daily, gradually increasing the duration as you become more comfortable.
Exercise 2: The Self Check-In
Set aside 5-10 minutes for this exercise.
Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths.
Scan your body, noticing any areas of tension or discomfort.
For each area of tension, silently ask, "What's here?" and wait for any thoughts, images, or sensations to arise.
Greet whatever arises with curiosity and compassion, saying something like, "I see you, and I'm here to listen."
If you notice judgment or resistance, acknowledge these as parts too, and greet them with the same curiosity and compassion.
After acknowledging all parts that have shown up, take a moment to notice if you feel any shift in your internal state.
Exercise 3: Cultivating Self Qualities
Choose one of the 8 C's or 5 P's of Self (e.g., Compassion, Curiosity, Calmness, Presence) to focus on.
Recall a time when you naturally embodied this quality. It doesn't have to be a big moment - even small instances count.
As you remember this experience, notice how it felt in your body. Where did you feel it? What sensations were present?
Spend a few minutes really immersing yourself in this memory and the associated bodily sensations.
Now, bring to mind a current situation where you'd like to embody more of this quality.
Imagine bringing the energy of your remembered experience into this current situation. How might things be different if you approached it with this Self quality?
Practice this regularly with different Self qualities.
Exercise 4: The Safe Place Visualization
Find a quiet, comfortable space where you won't be disturbed.
Close your eyes and take several deep breaths.
Imagine a place where you feel completely safe and at peace. This can be a real place or an imaginary one.
Use all your senses to make this place as vivid as possible. What do you see? Hear? Smell? Feel?
Notice how your body feels as you imagine being in this safe place. Allow any tension to melt away.
If any worries or distracting thoughts arise, imagine them as leaves floating down a stream, passing by without need for engagement.
Spend 5-10 minutes in this safe place, soaking in the feeling of peace and safety.
Before ending the visualization, tell yourself you can return to this safe place whenever you need to.
Exercise 5: Dialogue with a Part
Identify a part of you that's been active lately (e.g., an anxious part, a critical part, a people-pleasing part).
Find a quiet space and take a few deep breaths to center yourself.
Imagine this part as a character or image. What does it look like? How does it feel?
Greet the part with curiosity and compassion. You might say, "Hello, I see you're here and I'm interested in getting to know you better."
Ask the part what its role is - what is it trying to do for you?
Listen without judgment, allowing the part to express itself fully.
If you notice yourself becoming blended with the part (feeling overwhelmed by its emotions), take a step back and remind yourself that you are not the part, but you're here to listen and understand.
Thank the part for sharing with you and let it know you'll continue to listen and work with it.
Remember, connecting with your Self is a practice, not a destination. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you explore these exercises. Like Michelle, you may find that the journey itself - learning to listen to and honor all parts of yourself - is where the real transformation occurs.
It's important to understand that accessing Self energy doesn't mean being in Self 100% of the time. Even small moments of Self energy can be powerful and healing. Think of it as using a spoon to carve an opening through a cave - it might take time, but with persistence, you'll create a pathway.
If you find yourself struggling to access Self, remember that this difficulty itself might be coming from a part. It's common to have a part that wants to "get it right" or fears that you don't have a Self. Approach these parts with the same curiosity and compassion you would any other.
As you continue on this path, you may notice subtle shifts in how you relate to yourself and the world around you. You might find yourself responding to challenges with more calm and clarity, or feeling a deeper sense of connection to others and to your own inner wisdom.